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Jan 31, 2005
to the man inside my head
*wala lang...this was a requirment for literature,but i like it alot...i have judgements against academically required compositions,except this one...hope you guys like it din.;)
You. The man inside my head. Standing in a corner of my imagination. You’ve become my mantra. My unassuming prince. And you just love to consume me. Wrap me around your thread like a silk cocoon. Then, poof! I no longer exist in this realm, you lure me into yours.
Nothing, completely nothing. Until I live inside my head, I am nothing to the rest of the mundane. Which is why I have you, the man inside my head. You make me feel like I’m dying inside and bursting into flames. I’ve written my poetry in your heart, a diaphanous sheet of Japanese rice paper. That’s who you are, the man inside my head with the Japanese rice paper heart. You are irony. I can rip your heart into shreds, yet, you can trap me inside your embrace helpless. You can consume me in reckless, heathen madness. Your intensity lives wild in a hurricane whirling inside me. You are rock music and a party living inside my head. You are a tachyon, traveling faster than light. You’re a memory of a sepia-colored afternoon. You are the alternative song I play late past midnight, as I write poetry on my bed. You are a marionette with no strings, dancing to your own melody.
When I live inside my head, I know how you smell. Like fresh laundry, cinnamon, dried chilies and sweat. Sometimes, like sisig. Sometimes like cornhusks burning in the afternoon. You have hair like Jose Rizal’s, but without the pomade, and eyes like Josephine Bracken’s. You are the perfect lover. I love that you love to make me laugh. Or maybe I just laugh at completely everything. But for a man living inside my head, you really are funny. You have your own way of saying “Life is shit” and make me snort. But I find the way you blink and laugh, hilarious too. Your voice is soft, yet manly, like a black clarinet.
At night you fly me to the moon. There, we dance like ephemeral shadows against white satin sheets. Gaping deep into your eyes while dancing, I feel still and remote while the rest of the universe spins slowly beyond me. I can only hear silence and your breathing. We are always alone inside my head. There is nothing here to take our lips apart, nothing to let your hands slip from mine.
You, the man inside my head, help me face the truth. Because the truth is so dishonest, tragic and confusing. When I see the prevarications, you help to liberate me. You live inside my head, so I know you are real. You passionately engulf me in your paradoxes. You are pain, torment and anguish. You are romance, love and fury. You are like the color red. You drive me to seize the sun for pagan worship. You are the Cheshire cat on my door. You are a farewell letter blowing in the wind. You, you are the one I dance with in the rain.
The man inside my head. The man who raises me to Elysium. You are my witness to this insipid existence. You are my guru to the secrets of the universe. You are the serendipity I’ve been searching.
To the man inside my head, I’ve fallen in love with you.
Posted at 07:01 pm by vihuela
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Jan 30, 2005
yellow card playing in the background.drums and violins echo the thoughts inside my head.electric guitars mimic the voice speaking in my heart.love songs don't stop playing themselves,and i can't take another second,being reminded of you.but i can't shut the world out.i'm helpless as the ripped sheets of your last letter i've thrown in the wind.and i'm dying inside,precariously taking the next step towards you.but you let me die,you let me fall,and you continue to move away.you see how pathetic i am,and you can't take it.you see how worthless this all is,and you leave it all behind.you think i can't see that?i love you.of course i see that.my eyes are wide open to everything you can bare.i'm an open wound waiting for the next blow you can inflict on me.but i'm still going through all of this.this whole mess of broken hearts,shattered souls and a typhoon of tears.i always thought that you were my destiny.that we would tread this gray-skied path hand in hand.but the farther we walk along,the farther you move away from me,and slowly i lose your grip.now,i can't find you.we've lost each other.the more we try to communicate,the more your words make no sense.and i can't even understand myself.but still,you're the only one i can ever love.but every move,every touch,every heartless caress,every unfeeling kiss,every cold whisper alienates me from you.i don't know who you are,i don't know what we're in.and it scares me that we've built up our lives on a conspiracy of prevarications.i want to flee,to run away from you.but my heart has me on chains.i can't leave you behind.
Posted at 05:09 pm by vihuela
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Jan 22, 2005
today is a pinnacle in my life.i broke up with my boyfriend of 9months.why?its a damn long story...
...i went to see my boyfriend this morning,although my body's been achin from all the running i did the other day,and despute the fact that i felt like throwing up because of my period.anyway,we met at around 11.00,went to mapua and had sisig for lunch.after that,we decided to stay at the wall to make tambay (how friggin coñotic). while walking,he pointed out to me this girl in a pink top and capri's.he said that she was a girl from the pep squad.so i,being my opinionated and non-conforming self,blurted out, 'I HATE CHEERLEADERS'. although,ironically,i was dressed like one,in my jazz pants,pink t-shirt and pigtails in braids.the cheerleader and her whole posse,including her boyfriend must've heard me.my boyfriend got mad,because...well...idunno...according to him,because i was bobo.and no one can fuckin call me bobo.so,i walked away and the cheerleader and her boyfriend followed me.
"miss,miss",the guy said. i was walking along the sidewalk that time,i stopped and looked behind me.and there he was,looking pissed off,and the cheerleader...well,i couldn't care less...then the guy continued,"ano ba problema mo?"
"wala"o_0
"pokpok ka ba ha?"
so, i just walked away because i didn't want to waste my time on some idiotic jerk who couldn't take a bitch with an opinion. and masasayang lang english ko sa kanila.haha.
i know it was wrong to blurt out something offending,but i mean,it was just an opinion. this is a free country and everybody has one.i mean like,so what if i don't like cheerleaders?what the hell are they supposed to do?kill me because i don't conform?send me to a cheerleading camp to torture me?...that's just stupid....eh...but they have every right to get mad,still, i don't fuckin care.because,unlike them,i know that they are privileged to their own beliefs.haaay....insipid paradise nga.
god,don't they know that i'm not the only one who doesn't like cheerleaders?...they probably don’t watch tv.-_- or,they’re just plain oblivious.o_0 i felt so confused afterwards, with anger and frustration taking over. as soon as i saw my boyfriend, i gave him about 5 slaps.haha.2 for being a jerk,2 for being a coward, and 1for pissing me off. ha. the world would be such a better place if we didn't have cheerleaders and babrie dolls.:))
Posted at 07:19 pm by vihuela
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Nov 11, 2004
the things i do if i decide not to go to school.
i didn't go to school today. i got the idea from aphro (i'm not sure if she pushed through with it, though). they just had intrams today, anyway. besides, it rained. i was safe and DRY inside the mall, while the rest of the drones got muddied and drenched. but rain is fun.
***[you know what another great idea would be? i think it'd be cool to post on the friendster bulletin board to tell everyone not to go to school. that'd be fun. anarchy is exciting.]***
so, anyway, i met up with my boyfriend at the corner 7-11 at pedro gil. as usual, i was late. i left the house at almost half past 7, to think that i woke up at quarter to 6. i have no idea what takes my time up. we had a sisig brunch at about 9 something at the turo-turo behind mapua. but when we finished, it was too early to watch a movie in sm, so we played a half-hour game of 8-ball instead at mag's. i'm starting to hate playing pool. i always loose. (isn't it funny that we hate things that we aren't good at? maybe because it makes us feel little and stupid.) i mean, i hit the ball on the right spot, it goes towards the edge of the pocket, quivers a little, and STAYS at the edge of the pocket. what the hell was that about? it was SUPPOSED to fall -it was just a nanometer away from tipping off! are there little elves hiding underneath the pool table manipulating the game so that even if i should be able to shoot the ball, it won't -and never does- happen? that's scary.
at about 10, we went to watch dollmaster. i had to go to the bathroom, but was so frickin scared of the dark. (how pathetic am i?) i thought i was going to get real scared of the movie. (asians -except filipinos- make really nice horror flicks.) but i just got real hot instead. haha. we made out, and then some. i won't go into detail though. all i can say is, the human tounge is a very flexible muscle and can be good for many other things aside from tasting food or french kissing. and i didn't get to watch the movie much because of that. haha.
my boyfriend had to go to class after that, (but was late) so i was left alone in sm for about 45 minutes. so i resorted to window-shopping. it's the best thing to do when you're strapped for cash but still want to spend time inside the mall. i went to simple joys, then there was this wooden box covered with a framed glass top. i leaned on one of the boxes and the glass gave up on me. i thought it was funny, and a bit embarassing. i was scared they were going to make me pay for it. haha. then i went to try out different clothes and shoes. gosh, i love shoes. especially ones with ribbons and shiny things. haha. that was fun.
my boyfriend decided to skip pe and went back to the mall at about quarter to 2. we were supposed to stay at intramuros, but it was raining. so, we just watched white chicks instead. that was a nice, funny, slapstick movie. we sat through it twice. we understood the film even if we were fooling around. i got a hickie behind my right shoulder the size of -according to arthur- two 5-peso coins. cool. i got really tired from all the kissing.
to add to my exhaustion, the trip home took me about 2 hours (but usualy it takes me just 1). the traffic was unusually heavy along paco. i saw my chemistry teacher waiting for a jeepney along san andres. got scared for a minute that she would see me and file a violation. i dozed off and zoned in and out of the realm of dream.
i am terribly exhausted. i should take a shower then go to sleep. *yawn*
Posted at 09:48 pm by vihuela
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i hate the word conformity.
i thought i surpassed the phase of submitting myself to society's expectations. and i pride myself in asserting my individuality. but often, i find myself acting a certain way so that people would find me cool or acceptable; simply for impression, you know? and with that of course, i wouldn't be true to myself -and i hate it. for a long time, i struggled with my identity. so i simply came to the conclusion that i should not do what others expect me to, that i shouldn't be another generic stereotypical cliché -rather i should act in whatsoever way that makes me happy without violating others and to do things with a purpose (it's always been my philosophy).
but then again, we live in a society, and society creates confines. and sadly, we sometimes let ourselves be limited by these confines without knowing it. because if we do, we are safer and less afraid. so, these past few days, i saw myself become limited and scezophrenic. sure, we are all to some extent scezophrenic, but when your reason for being so is to please others....it's...pitiful and stupid. and these past few days i've been acting stupid. i've been acting according to expectations. for example: conforming to the common fashion, beliefs and lifestyle of the status quo;acting, lauging, talking, thinking in a certain way that people believe you should. becoming this persona (for example, a typical submersive highly sexual girl that all the boys want or the demure, domestic, obedient and highly-academic goal-setter that any mom would love) that certain characters in your life cut out from the cookie dough of society. but then again, who says how we should be, right? all these norms are nothing but words and abstract ideas that do nothing but chain our free spirits. who defines what's right or wrong? who says what's true?
just last night, my mom was giving me a sermon inside the car on the way home. she kept on telling me how i should study harder, be an EXCELLENT student, keep my things neat and more shit (like no sex until after college, yeah right. *shrugs* ). she says that i need this and that and this and that yadiyadayada so that i would become successful. she says she sees te signs of a failure in me. (what is she, some kind of oracle?) and i just got so pissed off because i think, that whatever you become is a resolt of the choices you've made, and all the decisions you make, are solely yours and people shouldn't come in and barrage on your life. so what if you turn out a failure? if you want to better yourself, do so. if you don't, then...okay. it doesn't matter. we all strive for happiness. and when we achieve happiness, we become successful. but, whatever.
*breathes deeply*
i'll be who i wan't to be and act the way i want to. we create our own realities. so i say, to hell with the rest of the world.
Posted at 09:12 pm by vihuela
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Nov 8, 2004
Insomniac musings and doubting love
My finger runs down
Your bare chest
A blaring
Satin sunset
In the darkness of our isolation
Outside
The flicker of streetlamps
Starlight
The random drone of buses
A black cat pouncing
On trash cans
Claim the stillness
But all I want to hear
Is the drumbeat
Of your heart and your breath
Steady
Furious
And consuming
As the moon or
The ocean before sunrise
So that maybe
In this effervescent moment
Of infinity
Sheltered in the heaviness
Of your arms
I can also be sheltered
By the prevarication
That there’s nothing wrong
Nothing wrong
Posted at 08:42 pm by vihuela
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Your phone calls are memories
Of grey afternoons
Where raindrops trickle
On the rusty tin roof
The way sadness
And cold bones lurk about you
In my sanctuary
Of cold morgue walls
The wind of the grey afternoon
Engulfs my heart
With wrenching claws
The rest of me jaded to the acrimony
Tonight
I crave your calls
And the song of sunlight
That comes only from your voice
My heart’s only salvation from
The November wind
That battles my spirit
Trying to devastate
To torment
To try and blast away
The little fire left
Of our passion
Posted at 08:38 pm by vihuela
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