i thought i surpassed the phase of submitting myself to society's expectations. and i pride myself in asserting my individuality. but often, i find myself acting a certain way so that people would find me cool or acceptable; simply for impression, you know? and with that of course, i wouldn't be true to myself -and i hate it. for a long time, i struggled with my identity. so i simply came to the conclusion that i should not do what others expect me to, that i shouldn't be another generic stereotypical cliché -rather i should act in whatsoever way that makes me happy without violating others and to do things with a purpose (it's always been my philosophy).

   but then again, we live in a society, and society creates confines. and sadly, we sometimes let ourselves be limited by these confines without knowing it. because if we do, we are safer and less afraid. so, these past few days, i saw myself become limited and scezophrenic. sure, we are all to some extent scezophrenic, but when your reason for being so is to please others....it's...pitiful and stupid. and these past few days i've been acting stupid. i've been acting according to expectations. for example: conforming to the common fashion, beliefs and lifestyle of the status quo;acting, lauging, talking, thinking in a certain way that people believe you should. becoming this persona (for example, a typical submersive highly sexual girl that all the boys want or the demure, domestic, obedient and highly-academic goal-setter that any mom would love) that certain characters in your life cut out from the cookie dough of society. but then again, who says how we should be, right? all these norms are nothing but words and abstract ideas that do nothing but chain our free spirits. who defines what's right or wrong? who says what's true?

   just last night, my mom was giving me a sermon inside the car on the way home. she kept on telling me how i should study harder, be an EXCELLENT student, keep my things neat and more shit (like no sex until after college, yeah right. *shrugs* ). she says that i need this and that and this and that yadiyadayada so that i would become successful. she says she sees te signs of a failure in me. (what is she, some kind of oracle?) and i just got so pissed off because i think, that whatever you become is a resolt of the choices you've made, and all the decisions you make, are solely yours and people shouldn't come in and barrage on your life. so what if you turn out a failure? if you want to better yourself, do so. if you don't, then...okay. it doesn't matter. we all strive for happiness. and when we achieve happiness, we become successful. but, whatever.
   
*breathes deeply*

    i'll be who i wan't to be and act the way i want to. we create our own realities. so i say, to hell with the rest of the world.